The Case of the Wayward Witch Read online

  I mentally shook off such worries. I wasn’t actually going to rent the room. I just needed to get inside. Poke around a bit. Find evidence that Diane Carey had been here. What such evidence might look like was anyone’s guess.

  She narrowed her eyes. ‘You’re doing that annoying escape into reverie thing again. Listen, you say you’re skilled, so how about we see if that’s true? What about missing boyfriends?’

  ‘No problem,’ I said with a somewhat manic smile. ‘Missing boyfriends. Missing pets. Missing anything. I’ll find whoever or whatever you want me to find in a flash. But let’s go inside, shall we?’ I rubbed my arms. ‘It’s a bit chilly out here, don’t you think?’

  It wasn’t chilly, but she led me inside nonetheless. As soon as I crossed the threshold, I had to steel myself in order to stay put. I’d thought the street had a murderous vibe, but this place was far, far worse.

  There were bones everywhere. They were in jars, in pots – one little pot declared that it contained crushed zombie bones, for fluff’s sake. There were even some fully-intact skeletons, lying about willy-nilly on the shelves. Ned might think she felt dead on the inside, but I was pretty sure these skeletons were actually dead. And yes, I said pretty sure rather than totally sure. This was a necromancy shop, after all.

  There was a section dedicated to books, but they were nothing like the mysteries and romances I normally devoured. Most of them seemed to be about the legalities of necromancy, but there were one or two biographies. I picked up a book with the title Dead and Loving it: How one woman rediscovered the joys of married life long after her husband had passed.

  ‘I do not want to know what that’s about,’ I muttered, shoving it quickly back in place.

  ‘Well look what the cat would have never dragged in.’ The voice was female, sarcastic, and it seemed to be coming from a cat. I stared over at the kitty, sure that she had to be the culprit. She had lush, creamy fur with brownish colouring on her face and ears. Her eyes were bright blue, and filled with disdain. She was curled up on a cushion which seemed to be placed upon a chair made of bones.

  ‘Of course you wouldn’t have dragged her in, Cleo,’ said Ned. ‘You never drag anything in, do you? Including any of the mice who I know have been stealing stuff from the storeroom.’

  The cat licked a paw. ‘I’m a familiar, not some common street cat. Speaking of common street cats …’ Cleo fixed her eyes on me.

  ‘Hey! Who are you calling common?’ I glared at the cat.

  ‘You.’ She smiled archly. ‘Obviously.’

  ‘You know, she’s not even an empowered witch, Cleo,’ said Ned, holding up her magnifying glass once more. ‘Which means she can only hear you because you want her to. Why do you have to go to such lengths to make sure everyone hears your snide comments?’

  Cleo turned her arch smile up a notch, until it was positively queenly. ‘Well, you know me. I like to include everyone.’

  Ned grimaced. ‘Yes, I do know you. Very well. Which is why we’re going to be doing this in the back room, not in here. This poor unempowered idiot needs a break from your insults.’

  ≈

  Surprisingly, the back room wasn’t at all creepy. We made our way there by opening a door behind the counter. It was rather like the secret door I’d gone through in Quay Questions, except that this shelf was filled with strange black candles instead of books about sausage making. As Ned pushed the shelf through, I glanced down at one of the candles and shivered. It wasn’t just black. It was the black of shadows. It was the black of death. It was the–

  ‘I sometimes feel as though my soul is as black as those Infernal Candles,’ said Ned with a sigh, interrupting my train of thought. ‘Ever since … well … hopefully you’ll find my dearest, darling love, and then I won’t have to feel so miserable anymore.’

  The space in which we now stood was larger than the shop itself. There were walls lined with empty shelves, a counter with an ancient computer and cash register, and not a lot else. She brought me to the counter, bashed about at the old cash register, and as the cash drawer opened, I saw that it contained nothing but a photograph.

  ‘I have to keep it in here,’ she said. ‘When I had it by my bedside I just stared at it all night long and sobbed. Cleo said I was disturbing her sleep.’

  I looked down at the photo, and quelled a quiver. That face would give anyone nightmares. No wonder the cat couldn’t sleep with that picture in the room. But it wasn’t just the ugly mug of the man in the picture which was causing my sudden dose of the shivers. I recognised that man.

  He was at least four times Ned’s age. And while some may say age is nothing but a number, I happen to think that only old guys who want hot young girlfriends have tricked us into believing that. And here was a really old guy. A really old guy, who looked uncannily like my uncle’s not-so-hot neighbour.

  ‘Why are you looking at the picture like that?’ Ned gave me an accusing stare.

  ‘I …’ I paused to calm down my racing thoughts. Sure, I could be honest and tell her he lived next door to my uncle on Nave Street, but then what? She was hardly going to consider such a simple solution to be real detective work, was she? Certainly not worthy of getting me upstairs to search for signs of Diane Carey. ‘I just … I’m surprised that he ran out on you,’ I said. ‘You’re so young and pretty and he’s so … so …’

  She steeled her jaw. ‘Yes, well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And he didn’t run out on me. He was running from the law, you see. We don’t like the law here on Samhain Street.’

  ‘So you’ve said,’ I muttered.

  ‘He didn’t have a choice,’ she continued. ‘It was those sneaky Wayfarers who put the frighteners on him. Wanda in particular. If you ever see her, I suggest you run the other way. For all I know she’s already arrested him and not told me about it. She’s Machiavellian in the extreme. The most evil woman I’ve ever encountered.’

  She looked lovingly at the photo. ‘And I should probably tell you, seeing as you’ll be looking for him, that he doesn’t actually look like that. He’s a Púca.’

  I mentally sifted through last night’s lessons. Uncle Faster hadn’t mentioned anything called a Púca, but one of Aunt Jude’s notebooks had. A Púca was closely connected to the sióga – the Irish faeries. They could look like humans, or like goats. Or something like that. But what did that mean for the magnifying glass I’d found? In that, he looked like an old guy. Which was really his true form? Was he Mister Gorgeous, Mister Ugly, or Mister Goat?

  ‘So I’ve always been confused about Púca,’ I said. And by always, I meant since last night. ‘Is this guy’s true form a goat? Because you don’t look like the kind of girl who’d be into that.’

  She snatched the photo away. ‘He does not have the true form of a goat. What’s wrong with you, woman? Just because they can shift into goats or horses and stuff doesn’t mean they are goats or horses!’

  ‘Sure,’ I lied. ‘I knew that. I was just joking. Y’know, being one of the gals. Throwing some humour around. It’s not my fault it didn’t land. And I can totally find him. Just show me where he was last seen and I’ll go from there.’

  She held her arms wide. ‘Well, here. This is where he was last seen. And not by me, either. Stupid Wanda Wayfair was the last person to see him in the flesh. Her and Captain Finn Plimpton.’

  ‘The Wayfarers.’ I gave an exaggerated shiver. ‘I hate them, I really do. So … why is it that they were after him? Just … out of interest.’

  Her chin lifted an inch, and her eyes turned hard and stubborn. ‘They were making a fuss over nothing. He’s a mask maker, and he sold a mask to an actress that made the audience love her even though she was a talentless moron.’

  That didn’t sound so bad.

  ‘Also,’ she continued, ‘a few other actors and TV people managed to get their hands on some of his Inner Demon masks. The masks brought their deepest, darkest desires to the fore, and gave them near-unbeatable power. Everyone who wore o
ne of those masks went to murderous lengths to achieve their dreams.’

  Eek. That was bad.

  ‘But it wasn’t his fault. Those masks had a mind of their own. Literally. And they were for display purposes only, so he can hardly be held responsible for the people who took them from the shop.’ She sniffed a little. ‘Anyway, none of that is important. Guillermo was always up to some sort of hijinks, but he’s not a bad man. Oh, I have his underpants as well, if that would help you with a locator spell. I’ve tried myself, of course, but … maybe you have better methods.’

  She reached into her pocket and pulled out a pair of white Y-fronts. Did she just keep them there all the time? ‘No problem,’ I said, gingerly taking the underwear in hand. It seemed clean, at least. ‘So … is this the space that’s for rent? Won’t Guillermo want it if he ever comes back?’

  She shook her head. ‘He won’t be able to run a business from here in the future. The Wayfarers will see to that. Look, I don’t think you’ll actually be able to find him but if you can, then the shop will be yours, as promised.’

  ‘The room upstairs too?’

  ‘Well … no. No, I won’t be renting the room to you. I was feeling a bit lonely when I placed that ad. Now that I have the dog to keep me company, not so much.’

  That didn’t make any sense, seeing as the ad had said Must like dogs. Also, I’d only met a sarcastic cat so far. The hairs on the back of my neck stood to attention. Diane Carey was being hidden by this woman, I was sure of it. I looked askance at her. Her face appeared to be beautiful. Could she really have green skin and a warty nose underneath?

  ‘Why are you looking at me like that?’

  ‘Oh.’ I did some not-at-all suspicious throat clearing. ‘It’s just that I think I’m picking something up from these underpants. I’m getting a strong sense of where Guillermo might be. But I think I’d only like to look into it further if I could have the room upstairs as well as the business. And I’d like to see it first, too.’

  Her jaw moved from side to side. There was a struggle going on within Nedina, and it was fascinating to watch.

  ‘All right then,’ she said finally. ‘I’ll make you a deal. If you can find my boyfriend before midnight tonight, then you can also move into the room – but you can’t see it until I’ve seen Guillermo. I mean, sweet Hecate, I’ll even give you the place for free for the first month if you can actually find him. That’s how much I expect you to fail.’ She extended a hand. ‘Deal?’

  I shoved the underwear into my bag, and shook her hand. ‘Deal.’

  10. The Negg-ative Effects of Uncle Faster

  I told Ned it would be at least a couple of days before I tracked Guillermo. In reality, I was going to “find” him a lot sooner than that. I just wanted to make sure she didn’t rush around to hide all traces of Diane in the meantime. But before I called Nedina to Nave Street, I had some important legwork to do for Uncle Faster.

  ‘Now, you’ve written it all down right, haven’t you?’ he asked as I placed the shopping list into my back pocket. ‘A cheese and pickle sandwich, a bag of chips, and some microwave meals for dinner. And whatever you want for yourself, obviously.’

  ‘Yes, I’ve got it all down,’ I replied with a frown. ‘But I’m a bit confused as to why you want all of this.’ I sniffed the air. ‘Martha’s making a Thai chicken curry, by the smell of things. Why would you want all of this junk food?’

  He crooked a finger, beckoning me closer to his wheelchair. Seeing as he’d just eaten a packet of cheese and onion crisps, it was not an attractive proposition. ‘I’ve told her her cooking is terrible,’ he whispered. ‘I said I got sick after what she made last night.’

  My eyes widened in confusion. ‘But why would you do that? Her cooking is amazing.’

  ‘I’m negging her,’ he informed me. ‘I read about it in a lads’ mag. If a woman is out of your league, you have to neg her to cut her down to size. Then, when she’s lost all confidence in herself, you can swoop in in the knowledge that she’ll think you’re better than her. Works like a charm according to the magazine I read.’

  He burped, his cheese and onion breath making me shudder. ‘You’ve got to be subtle about it, mind you. Like when she told me she was making a curry and asked me to taste the sauce, I said it was nice and all, but it was a little on the sickly sweet side for me. And I know she’s just been to the hair salon, so I told her how brave I thought she was to keep her greys when all the other women go to the salon to make themselves look younger.’

  I shook my head in disgust. ‘There’s something wrong with you. You know that, right? If you thought Martha was out of your league before, then she’s definitely out of it now.’

  He waved a hand. ‘You wouldn’t understand. But fellas do it to you all the time, I bet.’

  ‘Uh huh. Only with my feeble female brain I just don’t realise it, right?’

  He shrugged. ‘Sorry to say, but you probably don’t. Now, are you sure you’re going to be all right going back to this place again this evening? Where was it again?’

  I looked down at the carpet. Yesterday it had appeared to be grey, but now that Martha had vacuumed I saw that it was, in fact, beige. ‘Didn’t Moody tell you? It was him who cracked the code.’ I glanced at my watch. ‘I’d better get to the shops for you, Faster, before the lunchtime rush.’

  ≈

  A little later, Uncle Faster watched jealously while Martha and I tucked in to her amazing chicken curry. When we followed that up with her homemade banana bread, he audibly groaned.

  After lunch, Martha said she wanted to put him through his physio paces, so I took the opportunity to peep at the house next door. Guillermo’s car was parked outside, and I could see that the TV was on, too, so I quickly texted Nedina:

  The underwear proved very useful. I’ve tracked Guillermo to number 12 Nave Street. Do you know where that is?

  She replied straight away:

  I know where it is. I’m coming. And I’d like the underwear back once we’ve finished.

  I crouched down low by Guillermo’s front wall, just in case my uncle happened to peer out the window. I’d told him I’d be going back to the mysterious Samhain Street after lunch, and I didn’t want him spying Ned before I had a chance to leave.

  She arrived less than a minute after I texted her, literally appearing from thin air the way the Wayfarers had done earlier that morning. She stood still on the street, staring longingly at the front door.

  ‘Nedina!’ I hissed. ‘Over here.’ She scurried towards me and I said, ‘You took your time.’

  She grimaced, looking at the house. ‘Very funny. Not. I can see you’re going to be a particularly irritating flat mate. If it comes to that. How sure are you that he’s in there?’

  ‘I sense that the owner of the underwear is in there,’ I informed her. ‘Normally I’d stake the place out for a couple of days, you know – put all of my many detective skills to good use and find out why he’s hiding out here. But if I want that room and shop space, then I figured I’d just better get it over with quickly.’

  Sweat was beading down her forehead, and she nodded distractedly. ‘Right, right, the room. I mean, Diane can find somewhere else to go, I suppose.’

  ‘Diane?’ My ears pricked up.

  ‘Diane? I didn’t say Diane.’

  ‘Yes you did.’

  ‘Oh. Well, yes, maybe I did. I think what I said was … I was talking about … about a steak Diane. I was going to cook myself a steak Diane tonight, but I’ll do it another time instead. I only have enough for one serving.’

  ‘Oh. Of course,’ I replied. ‘That makes perfect sense.’ In no way whatsoever.

  She ran off and rang the doorbell. I watched from behind a bush as it was drawn open by the handsome version of my neighbour. Through my trusty magnifying glass, he looked just as old and pointy-toothed as he had earlier on. But even with his handsome as a Hemsworth face, he couldn’t disguise his shock (and some might say horror) when he saw Nedin
a standing there.

  ‘Ned!’ he cried. ‘It’s, I … well, you see the thing is, I’ve only just got into town.’

  As he spoke, a taxi pulled up and a stunning young woman climbed out, stalking towards the door and saying to Ned, ‘Who are you? What are you doing at my boyfriend’s house?’

  Ned looked at the woman, then back at Guillermo. ‘You’ve been here all along, haven’t you?’ she said. ‘Why here? In a human street?’

  Guillermo looked panic-stricken. ‘You’re not going to tell the Wayfarers where I am, are you? You know if I could have reached out to you, I would. You’re the love of my life, Ned.’

  His other girlfriend placed her hand to her hip. ‘Funny, but you said the exact same thing to me last night.’

  ‘Well … a man can love two people, can’t he?’

  As Ned gazed at him, I really thought she was going to break into tears. But as she stood there, her face began to change from sorrow to anger. ‘We’ll see about that,’ she said with narrowed eyes, before snapping her fingers and vanishing from sight.

  A few seconds later, my phone buzzed, and a message from Ned popped up on the screen:

  A promise is a promise, I suppose. You can move in whenever you like.

  It might have been nothing but words on a screen, and yet I could feel the resentment behind each and every letter. But I could deal with a little resentment, if it meant tracking down a boyfriend-murdering witch.

  There was only one problem – Ned had used magic to leave Nave Street, meaning she was going to get back to her shop a lot sooner than I ever could. I had the sinking feeling that, when I did show up, all traces of Diane Carey might already be gone.

  11. The Wild and Rabid Weredog

  As I banged on the door for the fifth time, I was beginning to think Ned had thought better of our deal. Either that, or she was busy making Diane disappear.