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  Swotting Up

  Wayfair Witches Book Nine

  by A.A. Albright

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, organisations, places, events and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination, or are used fictitiously.

  Text Copyright © A.A. Albright 2018

  All Rights Reserved

  No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the author.

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  Website: https://aaalbright.com

  Table Of Contents

  1. The Bad, Bad Books

  2. The Worst Book

  3. Ever so Glam

  4. Sexy Shannon

  5. Max the Meek

  6. Meeting Her Majesty

  7. Tricky Púca

  8. Terrence’s Great Escape

  9. Wreck-Tech

  10. Dances With Pigeons

  11. Chasing the Dream

  12. Elemental, My Dear Wanda

  13. Braggs of Wondermare

  14. Emily’s the Boss

  15. Safer than the Sword of Sylvia

  16. The Littlest Library

  17. The Whisperer Has Not Returned

  18. Everyone is Worried About Their Leggings These Days

  19. Apple Tart Fixes Everything

  20. Contained

  21. The First Rule of Mage Monk Club

  22. Rumours of My Education Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

  23. Our Namby-Pamby Bubble

  24. Saving Him is All I Ever Wanted to Do

  25. The Crazed Love of Evil Incarnate

  26. More Than Me

  27. In the Aftermath

  28. One Week Later

  1. The Bad, Bad Books

  It was a perfect late autumn day as I skipped across the campus quadrangle, crossing from my Magical Law class and heading to the Longest Library. Well, I wasn’t actually skipping. I was more trudging, really. And if we’re going to be one hundred percent honest with one another, then I should probably disclose that there was a slight drizzle, and the wind was picking up. Oh, and there was no quadrangle. The area through which I was trudging was a crooked-star shaped space with a few benches, some limp grass, and some quickly-balding trees under which some brave students were shivering their way through break time.

  But I was trying to be positive. To conjure up a lovely image of college life. The life I’d wanted since I was knee high to a sprite.

  So where was I? Ah yes, I was skipping slash trudging across the not-a-quadrangle. And now that I was at college, I wasn’t thinking about my former life as a Wayfarer. Not one little bit. I mean, when one of the kids from the flying team bashed another over the head with a broom, I didn’t even pull out my truncheon.

  Ahem.

  Fine. I may not have pulled out my truncheon, but that was only because I no longer had one. Instead, I had hit him with a freezing spell and told him he was under arrest.

  In my defence, I’d been a Wayfarer a whole lot longer than I’d been a college student.

  Today, though, I was determined to be the most studious of students the whole day long, and I was really looking forward to spending my break time with Adeline Albright. She was the senior chronicler and librarian at the college library. She was also the closest thing to a friend I’d made at Crooked College – and seeing as I’d known her long before term had begun, I wasn’t sure it counted.

  I pushed open the creaky gate that led into the yard where Adeline’s new assistant liked to have a sneaky cigar or two, and then I paused, feeling the hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention. I looked around, but saw nothing except some fallen leaves fluttering in the breeze. But so what if my Wayfarer senses were tingling? Umpteenth reminder to self: I was not a Wayfarer anymore.

  The library at Crooked College was called the Longest Library for a reason. I’d been roaming the aisles for weeks now, and I’d yet to find an end to the place. That was why anyone entering from the not-a-quadrangle needed to use the side entrance. There was no back entrance – or at least none that a person could reach without a large supply of rations, a sleeping bag, some weapons, and quite possibly an experienced guide.

  There were no students in sight when I entered, but I spied a group of Bookworms in the fantasy section, clustered together on a huge armchair, all peering at a book called The Witch Who Liked to Vacuum the Stairs.

  ‘This is a riot, Wanda,’ said the Bookworm called Ted. He wore round black spectacles and a bowtie. ‘It’s about this witch who insists on cleaning her house with human gadgets. Then one day, the fuse in the vacuum cleaner plug goes and–’

  ‘Sounds great, Ted,’ I interrupted. ‘But you’d better not leave any dog-ears on the pages. Remember to always use bookmarks, guys – or Adeline will not be happy.’

  Ted looked away. ‘Oh, definitely, definitely. We have not dog-eared a single page today. And we definitely didn’t get any chocolate-stains on the pages either.’

  ‘Totally believable, Ted,’ I said with a smile. How could I not smile when I was looking at this little gang of Bookworms? If you’ve never come across any, you’re missing out. Sure, they slither, and they’re a whole lot bigger than the average worm. It sounds as though they should be extremely creepy, but actually they’re adorable. They’re about the size of a small cat, and just like a cat, they love to curl up on your lap.

  They have arms, too. According to the Bookworms in the library, their arms evolved purely because of their love of reading and their need to quickly turn pages, and it was the same with their big round eyes. Even though they were known to have astonishingly good eyesight, most of them wore glasses – just for the look of it, apparently. I had even seen one or two of them sporting a monocle. They also enjoyed wearing little jackets with elbow patches, and many of them had pipes (which they preferred to fill with bubbles rather than tobacco). Almost every Bookworm I knew travelled with a flask of hot chocolate and a lunchbox filled with marshmallows.

  ‘Although Terrance might have spilled his hot chocolate last night,’ added the Bookworm called Dee Dee. ‘But he’s already apologised to Adeline about it. And he also told her he was sorry about the cracker crumbs he got between the pages of a few of the books in the Magical Cuisine section. Adeline wasn’t really gracious in accepting his apology, I have to say. I mean, books are meant to be enjoyed, aren’t they? Threatening to kill him and his witch was taking things a tad too far in my humble opinion. Oh well.’ Dee Dee opened up a packet of fig rolls, letting the crumbs spill onto the pages of her book. ‘Got to crack on. So many books, so little time …’

  ‘Where is Terrence?’ I asked. Terrence was the familiar of the cigar-smoking library assistant, and even though he was just about the cutest Bookworm of the gang, Adeline was not his biggest fan. She blamed him for the current Bookworm infestation. To be fair, he was one hundred percent responsible, but I couldn’t bring myself to share in Adeline’s irritation. Sure, Terrence had dog-eared every single book I’d lent him, but he also curled up on my lap and shared his hot chocolate with me while we read.

  ‘Haven’t seen him yet this morning,’ Ted replied. ‘He’s avoiding Adeline, I should imagine.’

  As he spoke, I heard a strange clanging noise, followed by … scratching metal? I peered out of the fantasy section, and saw Adeline rushing towards me, straightening up her hair. As usual, even though she was wearing quite a few pairs of glasses, she seemed to be having trouble finding a single pair.

  ‘I’ve lost them again,’ she said.

  ‘Your glasses? There’s some on your head. And a pair on a string around your neck. And I can s
ee another pair poking out of your blouse pocket.’

  ‘Ah.’ Her usually pale face reddened, and she brushed a strand of strawberry blonde hair from her eyes. ‘You’re early, Wanda.’

  ‘I’m not,’ I assured her. ‘But why don’t I make us some hot drinks while you …’ I trailed off, wondering where to start. Two of her blouse buttons were in the wrong holes, her skirt was on backwards and she smelled of cigars. As far as I knew, the only man in Adeline’s life was her cat, Julian, so her state of disarray could hardly have been down to him. And as for the scent of cigar smoke, well … she’d probably been arguing with Bess again. ‘Maybe you might want to … um … your blouse,’ I said eventually. ‘Yip, start with your blouse, and I’ll go and make us some drinks. I brought doughnuts, too.’

  She looked down at her blouse and turned puce. ‘Right. Lovely.’ She began furiously doing up her buttons, before turning her skirt the right way round and patting her hair. ‘Hopefully you can find some room to get things ready in amongst Bess’s mess. I’ve dug up a new book about the original Wanda for us to look through. Very exciting. That’s em … that’s what I was doing when you arrived. Dig, dig, digging in the bookshelves. Must have gotten a bit … messy while I was doing it.’

  ‘That makes absolute sense,’ I said as I walked away. ‘I often get my buttons undone during a reading binge.’

  I turned into the little canteen alcove. Actually, it was the section devoted to necromancy, but Adeline disliked the subject as much as I did, so she kept the surfaces in here covered with snacks, a countertop fridge, and a coffee maker. I’d once seen her cut her toenails while she sat on the alcove’s small couch, just so she could scare away one of the students.

  I lifted up a book someone had left lying next to the fridge. It was called Death and Taxes: Has your life partner left you with a hefty inheritance tax? In this book, you’ll learn how to bring them back, legally marry them, and thus avoid the tax.

  I winced (I often winced, shuddered, juddered or jittered when I was close to anything necromancy-related) and put the book back on a shelf, pushing aside some empty biscuit-wrappers as I tried to find a clean plate.

  These days, Adeline had some unwanted help when it came to keeping the students out of here, because there was a much bigger mess in the alcove than ever before. In fact, there was a much bigger mess in many of the sections. Ever since Bess had been hired as a library assistant, hygiene had left the library. I pushed aside some mugs that she had left lying about – one of them looked as though it could well be the beginnings of a whole new form of life – and found some clean cups on Adeline’s side of the cupboard.

  I was just laying out the doughnuts on the least disgusting plate, and humming happily to myself (yes, doughnuts make me very happy) when I smelled the strong smell of cigar smoke. It seemed to be coming from the section next door. Adeline had made Bess promise not to smoke in the library, so I knew she’d be ticked off.

  With a deep sigh, I wandered reluctantly towards the next alcove. I would much rather be humming tunelessly to my doughnuts. In fact, I’d be much happier doing just about anything other than checking out this part of the library. Because believe it or not, there were some books that wigged me out even more than those devoted to necromancy – and those were the books referred to as the Bad, Bad Books.

  There was a wrought-iron gate covering the area, and coupled with some extremely strong spells, it kept any curious browsers far away from the terrible tomes. But I often thought that the books weren’t being protected from people, so much as people were being protected from them. They weren’t called Bad, Bad Books because they were filled with knitting patterns. Although if there were any knitting patterns in there, they’d probably be along the lines of How to Knit a Realistic Massacre Scene.

  The books whispered as I drew nearer to the gate. They tended to go quiet when I was there more than a couple of seconds, but I had no idea if that happened for everyone, or if it was Wanda-specific.

  I peered through the gate, but couldn’t see any sign of Bess – and it wasn’t as though she was easy to miss. She had a halo of frizzy red hair, wore enormous burgundy boots, and was usually eating, smoking and swearing while she worked.

  ‘Bess?’ I said tentatively. ‘Are you in there?’

  There was no reply. The Bad, Bad Books area was deep, though, so she could have been out of my sight. As I called her name again, Adeline came towards me. ‘Do I smell cigar smoke again?’ she cried. ‘Bess, I have no idea how you got in there without my permission, but if you’re smoking in my library again, then there’s no court in the land that’ll hold me responsible for what I’m about to do.’

  She took a bunch of keys from her pocket, each key on the bunch shaped like a bone, and opened the gate. ‘Come with me, Wanda. Otherwise I just might murder her.’

  I followed her in, shrinking into myself as, all around me, the books began to whisper louder. I glared at them, and the noise stopped.

  ‘Huh,’ said Adeline. ‘That’s strange.’

  ‘What’s strange?’

  ‘Normally the closer I get, the louder they whisper.’

  So it was a Wanda-specific thing then. ‘Why do you think they do it?’ I asked. ‘The whispering.’

  ‘Some of the worst evildoers in the world wrote the guides and grimoires in this section,’ she replied. ‘And, typical evildoers, quite a few of them left imprints of themselves behind. It’s not open at your own risk in here. It’s open at the risk to the entire world.’

  We turned a corner, and she paused. ‘Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.’ She pointed to a space a few feet in front of her. A spot on the floor where a metal trap door had been opened up. ‘Bess does not have authority to go into that vault.’

  She made her way down the metal ladder rungs, and I followed behind. ‘We shouldn’t be able to do this,’ Adeline said, her tone growing more worried by the second. ‘There are twenty-two keys, and six spells to incant before this vault door is even opened. To descend the ladder … let’s just say we’d need to free up the next couple of weeks.’

  Adeline jumped onto the floor below, extended a hand and said, ‘Solas.’ As her spell began to work, and light emitted from her hand, she fell to her knees and screamed.

  2. The Worst Book

  I put a comforting hand on Adeline’s shaking shoulder, and stared down at Bess’s body. A thick silver chain was around her neck, but it was lax now. Somebody had strangled Bess with that chain, and it hadn’t happened very long ago, because we could still smell the cigar that was dangling from the side of her mouth. It had stopped smoking, but I guessed that it had done so only seconds before. There was a small black chest next to Bess, lying open with nothing within.

  ‘That chest didn’t just hold a Bad, Bad Book,’ Adeline said with a quiver in her voice, standing up and madly cleaning one of her many pairs of glasses. ‘It held an ancient and powerful book. The worst book of all.’ She started on a second pair of glasses, babbling while she cleaned. ‘The book that was in that box doesn’t even have a name, because … well … you need to know its name before you can open it. But if you can open it, then you’ll find the instructions. And then … well then may the goddess help us all.’

  ‘Instructions,’ I said weakly. ‘Instructions for what?’

  She didn’t answer my question. Instead, she put her glasses back on, and pointed at Bess. ‘Look. There’s something in her hand. Paper, I think. She must have snatched a page of the book before the killer stole it. But … how could she have managed to do that? Oh Wanda, you used to be a Wayfarer. You know about these things. What do we do?’

  I took a step back, ignoring the urge to look at the paper in Bess’s dead hand. It was vital evidence. It had nothing to do with little old me. What did I care that the part of the paper I could see looked awfully white and, dare I say it, new? I certainly wasn’t thinking that it was odd that an ancient book should have such unsullied pages.

  And I also paid no attention
to the fact that there was a bunch of keys sticking out of Bess’s cardigan pocket – a bunch of bone-shaped keys that looked like an exact copy of Adeline’s. ‘We call the people who still are Wayfarers,’ I told her, reaching into the pocket of my jeans and pulling out my phone. ‘And then we get out of here, and let them do their jobs.’

  ≈

  Adeline and I were sitting at the table closest to the main entrance when the Wayfarers arrived. There were some uniformed officers, but Finn Plimpton, dressed in jeans and a polo shirt, was clearly their leader. I smiled as I saw him, pushing down a pang. Shane, the healer, appeared right behind him, grinning when he saw me. Gretel appeared next, bumping into one of the tables and almost knocking over a reading lamp.

  ‘Hey guys,’ I said, giving them all a little wave. ‘Welcome to the scene of the crime.’

  Finn gave me a wry smile. ‘I knew you missed working with us, Wanda. But I didn’t think you’d resort to murder just to get to see us again.’

  I snorted a little. ‘Not funny.’ I pointed to the Bad, Bad Books section. ‘She’s in there. You’ll have to climb down the ladder into the vault. Her name is – was – Bess. But you should really ask Adeline the questions. She knew her best.’

  Finn sighed. ‘Still playing the I’m not a Wayfarer anymore tune, I see. So no impressions you want to tell me about?’

  I looked down at my Magical Law text book. It had been hard enough to stay out of Wayfarer business as it was, but this was the first time since leaving the force that I’d actually found a dead body. It was going to take extreme stubbornness to stay on my student track and ignore the itch to get involved. ‘No impressions,’ I told him. ‘Adeline saw everything at the same time as I did, so I won’t be able to add anything to her story. A story you really should be taking notes on round about now.’

  Finn performed some exaggerated eye rolls, and then he followed Shane, Gretel and Adeline down into the vault. Their voices carried, so I stuck my fingers in my ears and hummed. Even when Finn, Adeline and Gretel came up again a few minutes later, I carried right on humming.